Total Control (Losing Control Series Book 3) Read online

  Total Control

  By: Desiree Wilder

  Total Control

  Copyright © 2013 by Desiree Wilder. All rights reserved.

  First Print Edition: December 2013

  Limitless Publishing, LLC

  Kailua, HI 96734

  www.limitlesspublishing.com

  Formatting: Limitless Publishing

  ISBN-13: 978-1494447366

  ISBN-10: 1494447363

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons—living or dead—is entirely coincidental.

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to those of you who inspire, and those of you who allow yourselves to be inspired.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 1

  Gia

  As I sat on the couch between Jo and Dana, I felt hopeful. They were the two best friends I’d ever had and they’d always been there for me. I knew they’d help me get my life back, and as much as I hated to admit it, I needed help.

  “I’m really screwed up, huh?” I whispered, still looking down at my hands.

  “No, Gia, you’re not screwed up. You just need some help dealing with the terrible things you’ve been through,” Dana said. “I know of a place that I’d like to tell you about, but I think you need a shower and something to eat first.”

  “Is the deli still open, Gia?” Ethan asked. He was so considerate even after I blew him off for the last twenty-four hours and then cussed him out when he showed up to help me. I looked at him and he gave me one hell of a smile. Fuck, he’s gorgeous.

  “Yes.” I gave him a half smile, which seemed to make him happy.

  “Your usual?” He was still smiling.

  “Yes, please.” He asked the girls if they wanted anything before he left.

  “Wow, Gia. You did good, you did real good,” Jo said. It felt great to giggle with them.

  I took a shower. It felt warm, and as I let it wash over me, I felt hopeful again. I thought of what Ethan said about me being the only woman he’d ever said “I love you” to. It warmed me even more and I knew he was there with the best intentions. I washed my hair, got out of the shower, and brushed my teeth. I was really disgusting after what I’d done all day. I put some shorts and Ethan’s t-shirt on. It still smelled like him and it made me feel close to him.

  When I walked back out to the living room, Jo and Dana were talking while Ethan was sitting at my little dining table waiting for me to emerge. His face lit up when he saw me. He stood and pulled my chair out for me.

  “I love your clothing choice,” he said as he sat down beside me.

  “I love it, too,” I told him. “Thanks for the deli run.” I was starving and dug in immediately.

  “You’re welcome. I told them to put extra tofu on it, since I know how much you love it.”

  I laughed out loud. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

  “Settle down over there, you two!” Dana joked from the couch.

  I leaned over and gave Ethan a soft peck on the lips. Then, while I continued to eat, he made small talk about the things he’d gotten done around The Lock earlier. I knew he wanted to talk about so many other things, so I appreciated him letting me off the hook for a little while. I finished eating and we joined the girls.

  “Gia, how would you feel about a thirty day Depression Treatment program? It’s private, it’s for women only, and it focuses on relationships, depression, loss, grief, and pain. It’s an in-patient program and they practice with therapy, not medication,” Dana said. They all looked to me for an answer.

  “Thirty day in-patient?” I started to panic. I didn’t want to stay somewhere strange for a month. What about my job? I was getting really nervous very quickly.

  “We know it sounds extreme, Gia. But this place is really nice and comes highly recommended. Just think of it as a little vacation, and in thirty days you’ll be back, good as new,” Jo said, trying to make it sound like I was going to a spa or something.

  “A vacation? I’ll be back? Where the hell is this place?” I asked them. They looked at each other nervously and I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.

  “California,” Dana said carefully.

  I started crying. “No. I can’t. Please don’t ask me to do this.” Ethan wrapped his arms around me.

  He looked at the girls. “California? What the hell? I’m sure there are places a lot closer than that.” He put his hand on my hair and stroked it.

  “Of course there are,” Dana said. “But Jo and I did some research a couple of months ago when we thought you were seriously considering doing this, and Gia, this place is the best.”

  “They actually have a program specifically for severe postpartum depression and miscarriages. Gia, we would never suggest something so drastic for you if we didn’t believe it was the best option,” Jo told me. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt yourself today, but you know how dangerous it is to take sleeping pills and alcohol, yet you did it anyway. That should prove to you how seriously you need to take this and I don’t want to see you end up in some mediocre therapy group with some guy who doesn’t have a clue what you’ve been through.” She started getting teary-eyed. I felt bad. I knew what I’d put those girls through when I’d tried to overdose after my last miscarriage.

  “Do some research tomorrow and think about it. I’ll write down the name of the place Jo and I are talking about so you can check it out,” Dana said as she dug through her purse looking for the info. “We know it’s ultimately your decision and we’ll be behind you one hundred percent no matter what you decide, okay?” Then she looked at Ethan. “We know you want what’s best for Gia too, don’t get me wrong.”

  “I understand,” Ethan said. “We’re all on the same page here.” He hugged me tighter.

  “Gia, do you want to come back to my place and stay tonight?” Dana asked. I knew I didn’t want to be alone, not that any of them would’ve let me anyway, but I didn’t want Ethan driving all the way back home tonight.

  I looked up at Ethan. “Would you stay here with me tonight instead?” I asked. I knew Jo and Dana would understand.

  He smiled. “Yes.” I leaned my head back on his chest.

  “You two are super cute, you know that, right?” Dana said. Then she and Jo just stood there smiling and gazing at us.

  “You two can quit staring at him anytime now,” I told them and they giggled.

  “Talk to you both tomorrow then,” Dana said. They pried me out of Ethan’s arms and hugged me. “Thanks, Ethan,” Dana added and they hugged him, too.

  “Thank you, girls,” Ethan said as he hugged them back. “I’l
l walk you two out.” He turned to me. “I’ll be right back.”

  I sat on my couch and took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe Jo and Dana wanted me to go to California for thirty days. I didn’t know if I could do that. I mean, I would if I had to, but I certainly hoped we would find a closer solution.

  I called Lilly. I knew I’d really worried her and I felt bad. She had a family to take care of. She didn’t need to be bothered by my selfish behavior.

  “Hey, Lill,” I said when she picked up.

  “Gia! Are you all right? I was so worried about you when you never called me back! Dana told me what you were doing all day and I wanted to come over there and kick your ass! What’s got you so down?” She tried to be mad but she couldn’t. She was too relieved.

  “I’m sorry. I had an eventful weekend and it brought up a lot of old stuff, ya know? But I’ve decided to get some professional help.” I knew she’d be all for that.

  “G, that’s awesome! I’ve wanted that for you for so long and I’m proud of you for making that decision.” She sounded emotional.

  “I know, sis. I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I want to come over to see you and the kids. Then we’ll talk about everything, okay?” I was looking forward to seeing them.

  “Okay. I love you, G,” she said.

  “I love you, Lill.”

  Ethan came back in and sat beside me. He took my hand and put his arm around me. I could feel his love. I didn’t deserve him. I was going to try to earn him. I snuggled into his warm, welcoming chest. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are.” He squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry, too. About the Bridget thing. I put myself in your shoes and it wasn’t a fun place to be. I’m also sorry I left you yesterday when I knew you were hurting. I’ll never do that again.”

  “It’s okay, baby.” That time I realized I’d said it as soon as the word left my lips, but it had come so naturally I couldn’t regret it. “I’m going to get ready for bed.”

  “Gia, could I ask you something first?” He sounded serious.

  “Of course.” I was curious.

  “What would be your ideal situation for the therapy?”

  “Well, obviously not California. That scares the hell out of me, Ethan. I haven’t given it a lot of thought yet, but I guess if it were ideal, I’d still be able to work and be here with my family and friends.”

  “Would you be able or even willing to take some time off work if that was the most practical approach?” I had the feeling he was going somewhere.

  “I guess I’d be willing to consider all the options,” I said.

  ***

  When I’d finished in the bathroom, I went back out to the couch but Ethan wasn’t there. “Ethan?” I said.

  “In here,” I heard him say. I turned around and walked back toward the bathroom. “Gia, I’m in your room.” Of course. That’s where most people go to bed.

  I stopped in the doorway. He was lying on my bed with his boxers on. He looked good enough to eat.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Nothing. I’ve just never slept in here.”

  He sat up. “You’ve never slept in your bedroom?”

  “No. I sleep on the couch.” It sounded immature and I was embarrassed.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I’m more comfortable out there, I guess.” It was true.

  “Well, I don’t think we’re both going to fit on your couch. Would you sleep in here with me tonight?” I knew he was right about the couch so I said yes.

  I told him he could use my toothbrush if he wanted and he went into the bathroom. I sat down on my bed. I felt out of place. I knew it would be fine since Ethan was going to be with me, but I didn’t like being in there alone.

  When Ethan came back, he was carrying a bunch of pillows from the living room. He tossed them on the bed and disappeared again. He returned with the flowers he’d sent me. He put them on the dresser, turned off the light, and we crawled under the sheet. He put his arms around me and kissed me softly.

  “Sweet dreams, Gia,” he whispered.

  “Sweet dreams, baby,” I whispered.

  Chapter 2

  I woke to Ethan’s soft lips on mine. What a way to start the day, I thought, but then realized it was still dark. I kissed him back but knew I probably had bad breath so I kept my mouth closed. Well, I tried to keep my mouth closed, but he had other ideas. He crawled on top of me and forcefully stuck his tongue in my mouth. He started grinding against me really hard and it was hurting me. I tried to tell him, but his mouth was over mine so hard and tight that I couldn’t speak. I tried to push him off me, but I couldn’t. He grabbed my breast and squeezed and then pinched my nipple, hard, too hard. I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was doing. He never acted like this. He pulled his mouth away from mine and before I could say anything he put his hand over my mouth. A light shone through the window and illuminated his face. “Lex!” I screamed.

  I sat straight up in bed. Fuck! I was sweating and shaking.

  “Gia, are you okay? Did you have another nightmare?” Ethan sat up beside me and took me in his arms. “It’s all right. You’re safe.” He laid me back down and held me tight against him.

  I fell back to sleep and didn’t wake up again until morning. When I opened my eyes, I looked around my room. Maybe I should consider decorating in here. I saw the flowers on my dresser and I smiled. I turned my head to look at Ethan, he was watching me.

  “Do you ever sleep?” I asked him.

  “No. I’m a vampire!” He grabbed me and bit my neck softly. I playfully fought back, but it felt so good I just leaned back, giving him full access.

  “You’re just gonna let me suck your blood?”

  I laughed. “Yes. It felt so good, I had to succumb.”

  He smiled. “Now you’re mine and you have to live with me for all eternity.”

  “You’ve been watching too much Twilight.” I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. “If you come shower with me I’ll consider it, though.” He was right behind me.

  We kissed softly as we stood under the sprayer. I couldn’t believe how comfortable I’d become with being naked in front of him. He soaped my sponge and washed my entire body. He did it with such care I felt like I was being pampered. When I washed his body, I scrubbed and massaged his back especially, because he seemed to love that. I noticed every inch of him that time. Every freckle, every muscle, every hair; he was perfect.

  I put the sponge down and kissed him softly. I wanted to give back to him for all that he’d given me. I turned off the water and led him back to my bed. His face was full of anticipation as I gently laid his nakedness down on the bed in which I’d never even slept until last night. Wild butterflies were inside me as I considered all that I wanted to do to him on it.

  His neck and chest were warm as I tasted and teased them. The coolness of my wet hair made him shudder when it fell against his skin. My nipples grew hard with jealousy as I sucked and nibbled on his. He was still as he watched me slide down his body and straddle his calves. My hair left a trail of wetness as I used it to tease his abs and thighs along the way. When I ran my tongue up his inner thigh, I stopped right before it touched his boys, but I made sure they felt my breath against them before I moved to the other side. I glanced up at him teasingly. His breathing was rapid and his hands were lost as they pressed into the mattress.

  I traveled upward to his goody trail and licked all the way to his belly button. As I stopped there to nibble, my breasts heaved against his cock. I pushed them together while I rocked up and down, just until he seemed to be moving along with my rhythm. I had plans for him. I slowly slid back down and surprised him as I greedily took him in my mouth as deep as I could. He gasped, then moaned and put his hand in my hair. My hand was around his cock and I squeezed as I slid it downward, pulling his skin tight so I could slide him in and out of my mouth smoothly. I stopped at the tip, sucked, and used my tongue and teeth to tease him into a frenzy. He
had both hands in my hair and was watching and moaning. I felt powerful as I took him in my mouth and moaned, too. He tried to pull me up to him. I knew he was getting close and he didn’t want to come in my mouth, but I wanted him to. I wanted to taste him. I wanted him to let go. I took my free hand and pushed his arm to the side, holding it down so he’d know this was what I wanted. I was in control.

  I picked up the rhythm and began to pump him as I sucked on the tip. I pulled back on him a little so he had a great view of what I was doing to him. Each time he was on the verge, I changed it up. I took him as deep as I could and pumped fast. Then I took just the tip and pumped slow or held tight. He wanted me and I knew it, but I wanted to feel him come. I wanted to feel him pulse under my hand and in my mouth. I’d held him off as long as I could, and I had to let him have it. I kept the rhythm steady and I moaned while he was in my mouth. He tried to pull my head back but I was ready for him and as he came, I swallowed every drop.

  I slowly went to him. He was lying very still with his head back and his eyes closed. I was very proud of myself. “Jesus, Gia,” he said, opening his eyes. I was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. He chuckled. “You never cease to amaze me.”

  I plopped onto my back beside him and sighed a very satisfied sigh. He rolled to his side, propping his head up on his hand.

  “Now we need to take care of you.” He smiled.

  “No, I’m good.” I really did feel satisfied.

  “What do you mean you’re good?” He looked disappointed.

  “I want you to owe me,” I said with a naughty grin. I hopped up and started digging through my dresser for clothes. He watched as I got dressed. I gave him a kiss and went to the bathroom to do my hair and makeup.

  When I finished, I went back to my bedroom to get some shoes. Ethan had made my bed and put the pillows and flowers back where he got them. I could hear him on the phone in the other room so I took a moment to sit on my bed and look around. I’d decorated my entire apartment with bright cheery colors and comfort items, but never touched this room. No wonder I didn’t sleep in there, it reminded me of the home I’d shared with Lex. We’d had a nice house, but all the walls and carpets were off white and the furniture and accents were neutral. Maybe I was trying to hold onto a part of that? Since I never slept in there or spent any time in there, why did it matter?